My youngest daughter loves the Biblical story of Lazarus in John 11. It really hasn’t been one my favorites to be honest. But since my Dad made his journey to Heaven last year, I’ve been seeing all stories relating to life and death and resurrection in a new light.
It’s the story about how Jesus brings his friend Lazarus back to life after he died an untimely death. For Lazarus’ family — his sisters particularly — it was a pain-intense, emotional rollercoaster of waiting for Jesus’ help to arrive. Jesus did come; but it was in his way and on his time. The family was left not only waiting but were feeling heart-broken and hopeless.
As I look back on the last year, I can relate more closely to the pain in this story.
But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance. Romans 8:25 NKJV
The one-year mark
When the one-year anniversary of my Dad’s passing last June was coming up, I felt my soul stirring. The event is marked on my digital calendar to repeat into perpetuity. My heart became heavier as the days closed in.
I’ve cried many tears over his health circumstance during the last few years of his life, especially toward the end. Could there really be more tears?
But the tears came on that day and for several days later. It was a harder than I had anticipated. When I look back, I don’t know how he made it through all the daily challenges, unending doctor visits, lists of medications, and multiple hospital and recovery stays.
But what I do know is that I’m confident I’ll see him again; I know that in my heart.
I’ve had several dreams about it. I’ve known him to be at my bedside, sitting there with me. I also realize I don’t know when this reunion will be. It could be tomorrow; or the next day. Or, it could be years of waiting.
The “now and not yet”
In a recent online Bible study, I learned that this state of “waiting” or “in-between” — the period between our “now” and the “future state,” is what theologians describe as “now and not yet.”
According to “Got Questions: Your questions. Biblical answers,” this concept was put forward by Princeton theologian Gerhardus Vos in the early 20th century.
The “now and not yet” idea seems to apply to so much of our everyday living as we hope, and pray, and wait on God in so many ways.
In fact, right now I’m depending upon God to meet many of my insufficiencies — I’m waiting and hoping for:
A time when I’m walking so closely with our savior that my fears subside, calmness rises up and his strength consistently lifts me above the waves of life;
A place where I’m confident to gather stones and not scatter them, and my focus lands on eternal matters, not circumstances I can’t control;
For those most vulnerable to be rescued from abuse and violence, and that this burden is erased from eternity in their hearts;
For my family to feel whole and for things to make sense again; like when my Dad was here.
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice saying, “This is the road! Now follow it.” Isaiah 30:21 CEV
Complete the sentence
Although I’m looking forward to God’s promises, these kinds of thoughts can also be disheartening. So, when I think these thoughts, I try to complete the sentence by including a promise that goes along with it. For example,
I don’t live by our daughters right now and that fills me with emptiness — but I know God is taking care of them, surrounding them with what they need and protecting them, and that he’ll bring us together again in ways I’ll never expect. I know this because it’s happened so many times already.
When my thoughts turn anxious about my job, I try to remember that he’s providing this work for me and that it’s given me so much. And, that I can be much more effective and authentic if I invite him into every detail, and that this is only a passing chapter in my life.
When my heart fills with panic about our country’s future — the evil and deception unveiling itself throughout our government and institutions — I try to reel in my downcast thoughts and redirect them to thank God for working in my life. I know he has a plan and purpose for everything; one that is more amazing than anything I could imagine.
When my discernment seems clouded and isolated, and I’m in a place of overwhelm, I try to dig deeper and ask the Holy Spirit, for the saints, to pray for me, because I’m lost for words, and I simply don’t know what to say or what to pray for.
The rest of the story
In the last dream I had about my Dad, we were in what appeared to be big banquet hall and we were getting ready to have dinner. There were tons of people there, I but didn’t recognize anybody.
Then I saw my Dad across the room. I knew he had to go; he was leaving, almost like he was heading to work at the college he taught at for 30 years.
He came over to me and kissed my cheek. I knew he was saying good-bye.
But before he left, he picked up a huge bottle of blush wine and poured some in my glass. I told him not to pour so much, but he did anyway.
Through my tears, I was laughing at this prospect of bringing wine into this very real picture, a commonality in our way of life.
I guess I’ll have to wait for the rest of the story, tarry through the days and years, because I’m in the “now” and it’s certainly “not yet.”
Until then, I’ll keep praying and hoping it forward.
Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story. Psalm 107:2